Classic Consulting Quotes

Job manager, upon seeing a slide I made: "Are you color blind, by the way?"

True story.

Things I'll miss about New York City

Seeing NYC in my rear-view mirror is an upcoming event I am looking forward to, but there will be some things I miss. Priceless random quotes from New Yorkers will be one of them.

B&T Girl #1: He is so "not Westchester."
B&T Girl #2: I know!
B&T Girl #3: I don't get it. I've been here a year and I don't get that. And what is or who is "the bridge and tunnel crowd"? Is it a good thing that those guys called us "bridge and tunnel crowd" when we walked in?
B&T Girl #1: Eww.
B&T Girl #2: Gross.
B&T Girl #1: Ew, oh there is so no way anyone called me bridge and tunnel.
B&T Girl #3: So that's bad?
B&T Girl #2: What could be worse?

--Metro-North

Overheard in New York

The Genesis of "Let a Thousand Flowers Bloom"

The HR flack was speaking about our internal initiatives. She was soliciting ideas. "Our attitude is 'let 1,000 flowers bloom' on this." - Consultant Ninja experience

Our world is full of pithy sayings like this, and I have sensed a rise in its usage in the past year. Few people ever consider the source of it.

"Letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land." Mao Zedong, February 1957

After this speech, Mao Zedong listened carefully and thoughtfully for six weeks. Criticisms were diligently recorded, along with their source. Then, Mao had those who spoke up executed or sent to prison camps.*

It pisses me off that HR staff, who lecture us about cultural sensitivities and diversity, choose to quote a mass murderer. Next time I'll ask them to use a quote from Hitler.

* Mao, the Untold Story

New Word: Drecession

Dresssion: Bigger than a recession, not quite a depression.

What not to put on a consulting resume (part 4 of a continuing series)

Key things not to put on a management consulting resume:

1) Purging.
2) Discuss large monetary losses caused by your decisions.
3) Pointing out your ability to control your emotions.
4) Highlight the stress of playing poker.

The last one really bugs me. What the hell is this guy thinking? If you want to talk about stress, you better make sure it's a legitimate situation, like this major badass below.

Who would you want on your team when it's 2am the night before the final presentation when your computer crashes, corrupting your revenue forecast model?

Classic Consulting Quotes

Scene: Conference Room A, Industrial Client
Actors: Myself, Matthew (client), Ralph (client), Bob (client), Steve (client)
Context: We are discussing a set of data files that Matthew and Ralph have given me. Conference Room A has large windows overlooking the parking lot.

Ralph and I are looking at the data on a computer, discussing the fields. Matthew is looking out the window.

Matthew: "Hey look, there's Bob and Steve."

[Matthew, Ralph, Bob, and Steve all work together, and I have been interfacing with them on a near-daily basis for the past few weeks.]

[A few seconds pass.]

Matthew: "Looks like they're taking a walk; it's such a nice day today!."

[A few seconds pass.]

Matthew: "Oh, I guess they're going over to Bob's car."

[A few seconds pass. Ralph and I continue to look at the computer.]

Matthew: "Hey, Bob has a sledgehammer in his hand."

[A few seconds pass. Ralph and I look up from the computer.]

Matthew: "Hmm... they're opening the trunk of the car. What are they doing?"

[Ralph and I get up from the desk to look outside. We can clearly see Bob and Steve 100 yards away. Bob looks around, then furtively places the sledgehammer in the trunk of his car and closes the trunk. Bob and Steve walk away quickly.]

Matthew: [Laughing...] "Well, I guess Bob's borrowing the sledgehammer from the machine shop for a while."

What do you do when you witness your client taking company equipment?

Living Dangerously, Consulting Style

When you're on a project in Sioux Falls and starved for excitement, nothing's better than pushing your rental car's gas tank to the extreme. Yes, that was my sick driving ski11z.

"Have you ever been completely below the slash?"

"I did almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full."

What to put on a consulting resume (part 3 of a continuing series)

In my years of being involved with MBA recruiting, I've never been able to hire a former special forces operator, but I've been dying to come up with the right reason. My list of added capabilities to the team:

• Calling in a JDAM strike on the plant we're looking to close
• Fast Roping out of the VPs office when we've totally blown some analysis by using wrong assumptions
• Pilot a UAV into finance to get the headcount data they're withholding from us
• Knowing how to disable a client 74 ways with his left index finger

To you, unnamed candidate sir:  I may not be able to hire you, but I wish I could.

Booz & Company consultant-ese

I hope not all of Booz & Company's insights are as ridiculous as this:

Firms everywhere can learn much from companies in developing economies that are leveraging the Internet to increase competitiveness and develop strategic partnerships globally. - Emerging Leaders, Strategy+Business

Consultant Ninja Translation:

Use the internet to do international business.

The longer I'm in consulting the more I recognize how hard it is to always write clear and insightful ideas.  The trouble is that these ideas are hard to come by, and most of them aren't materially exciting.  Unfortunately, consultants must create 3-4 slides per day on average, each requiring an insightful sounding headline.  Pressed for time, consultants will use fancy sounding words as armored plating for bland ideas that aren't fully formed or exciting, and move on to the next task at hand.

The Beach time is the Right Time...

The chinese takeout joint down the street is wiser than I thought.

Only in New York...

11:30pm Thursday night, midtown:  From our 7th floor apartment, through closed windows, all of a sudden we hear a booming voice begin singing.  Yes, singing.  Not half bad either; the guy doesn't sound drunk, he's just... singing.

It goes on for 3 or 4 minutes.   My partner and I look at it each other and ask: "isn't this a little strange?  I guess not; it is New York, after all."

... and then another voice, from across the street, boomed out.  "Shut the fuck up!  You're fucking annoying!"

Only in New York.

Who's to blame for the mortgage crisis (part 3)

In the vein of LongOrShortCapital.com's "Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing"....

"The system that you lived under, gave you a very very generous reward, when your company was highly leveraged, and everything was going up... and that's the American way."  - Henry Waxman, D-California, speaking to Dick Fuld, former CEO of Lehman Brothers

Link to the video (starts at 2:28)

Classic Consulting Quotes (Chapter 4, Part III)

[Scene: Open workspace at the firm's* office.]

The Following Tuesday.

Timmy's search for competitive intelligence on a CPG competitor to the client has been found out, and his ear was chewed out over the phone by the VP of the target firm's sales & marketing organization.  Timmy did the only thing he could do; refer him to his engagement manager.  

His engagement manger got the same call from the target firm's VP, and did the only thing he could do; he referred him to his partner.  The partner duly referred the angry VP, who is by this point starting to issue legal threats, to the head office partner.  The head partner somehow defused the situation, with two quotes that nicely tie this long story together.

[Note to self: shit sometimes does flow uphill.]

Quote #1:  To the angry VP of the target firm, from our firm's partner:  "I'm very sorry.  This was a rogue consultant, and he will be dealt with appropriately."

Quote #2:  To Timmy, from our firm's partner:  "Don't worry about it.  Listen, for these next round of phone calls, we want you to focus on this other company.  Try not to give out your phone number."

[Other note to self: never answer a random phone call asking about my company.]

* True quote, but from from a previous life and firm.

Classic Consulting Quotes (Chapter 4, Part II)

[Scene: Open workspace at the firm's* office.]

Friday.

Timmy, the 21-year old analyst from Carnegie Mellon, has nearly exhausted his list of resumes to call.  He's absolutely hammered the sales and marketing division of a particular CPG all week, calling ex and current employees in his quest to dig up the competitive intelligence information the engagement manager has asked him to collect.

Timmy's phone rings.

Timmy: "Hello?  Yes, this is Timmy, from [consulting firm]."

I hear a stammering conversation, with lots of Timmy's comments being cut off in mid sentence.  Is it the IRS?  An ex-girlfriend?  What's happening?  My mind drifts from my excel model to listen in.

Timmy:  "My boss?  His name is Bob Johnson, his number is 212.555.1212."

[Click.]

Timmy calls Bob Johnson, his manager.  As I, and others in the office listen in, it becomes clear what has happened.  Timmy's exuberant calling of dozens of currently employed people in the sales organization of a major CPG has been detected.  People at the target firm starting talking to each other, recognizing that they were being probed, and raised the issue to management.  Timmy had given his number out to at least 1 person. 

The just finished phone call had come from the target firm's divisional VP, who began interrogating Timmy on who he was working for, what he was doing, and if he knew what kind of trouble he was in.

Poor Timmy, who was just following directions from his engagement manager, was ashen-faced as he got off the phone with his boss.

Suzie, a 22-year old analyst from Cal-Berkeley, came by to offer her consolation.

Timmy:  "I'm worried that I'm in big trouble."

Suzie:  "Don't worry, you're not at fault here.  It's not your fault for asking questions; it's their fault for answering them."

* True quote, from from a previous life and firm.

Classic Consulting Quotes... (Chapter 4, Part 1)

[Scene: Open workspace at the firm's* office.]

Monday.

Timmy, a 21-year-old analyst from Carnegie Mellon, has been furiously hammering away on the phone.  In front of him is a pile of resumes, culled off of monster.com, of people who currently or recently worked at a particular division of a major CPG company, on behalf of the client, another competing CPG company in the same market.  His goal; to ferret out their trade spend as a % of sales and their sales organizational structure.

Timmy:  "Yeah, hi Ralph, your resume came across my desk, and I was interested in hearing about your work experience."

   ....

Timmy: "Hmm hmmm, and what did you do there?"

  ....

Timmy: "ok great, and what types of accounts did you work on.... ok, and what were your reponsibilities with that account..... oh, so you worked with trade spend then?"

   ....

Timmy: "What types of trade spend activities did you manage?"

   ....

Timmy: "Wow, that's interesting.  Are those big activities typically?  Wow, you managed all that, that sounds great?!  .... hmmm ok.... that's like what, 7% of sales or something, right?"

 ....

Timmy:  "oh that's right, 9%."

 ....

[Timmy, having captured his information, now moves on to secondary targets.]

 ....

Timmy: "and did you have people reporting to you?  How long did it take for you to get promoted?  Was there good training involved?"

 ....

Timmy: "Mmm, I see.  So you were organized by product line, then, right?"

 ...

[Timmy continues for a few minutes]

 ....

Timmy: "I'm sorry?  No, this isn't about a job.  I work for a research and consulting firm, and we are doing a survey to understand some broad trends.  .... No, I'm sorry, I can't give you my phone number... I said my name was Timmy..... sorry Sir, thank you for your time."

[Click. Mission Accomplished.]

*  True quote, but from a previous consulting life and firm. 

Classic Consulting Quotes

[Scene: Open cubicle workspace with a number of client employees all around us.]

Jimmy [our MBA intern]: "I can't seem to get reception on my cell phone."
Me: "Yup. Sometimes the reception isn't very good here."
Jimmy, somewhat loudly: "I guess that's because we're in the middle of nowhere."

Heads turn.

Classic Consulting Quotes

Me: "Hey Jimmy [Our MBA Intern], is conference room A available for us to use?"
Jimmy: "No, it's already booked."
Me: "Hmm... [suspecting an intern moment] can you see who has it booked?"

[Jimmy goes to talk to the receptionist who reserves conference rooms, then comes back.]

Jimmy: "Uh, we do. I booked it for us this morning."

The Indignities of Work Travel, Chapter 4

Final Chapter - see Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3 for context.

I'm was in Dallas this week, staying at the W Victory Hotel. I could only reserve a room Monday-Wednesday when I made the reservation during the weekend, but the agent suggested that I ask when I arrived, since "you will be at the top of the waiting list for a room."

Tuesday night, get back to the hotel from dinner. I stop by the front desk.

Me: "Excuse me, I'm due to checkout tomorrow and I'd like to stay until Thursday. I'm on the waiting list to get a room for tomorrow night. Can you tell me if I'll be ok?"
Front Desk Dude: "Um... I don't think we'll be able to accommodate you."
Me: "Can you tell me where I am on the waiting list to see if I'm close?"
Front Desk Dude: "Well, there's a pretty substantial waiting list."
Me: "Do you even know what my name is? How can you know where I am on the waiting list?"
Front Desk Dude: "It's not you, it's that the waiting list is pretty far down the line."
Me: "Huh? What's above the waiting list? Did you oversell the rooms? If so you shouldn't kick me out of my room."
Front Desk Dude: "Actually, we need your room because we have some VIPs coming in...."
Me: "And I'm not a VIP?"

The conversation degraded from there, but I got to keep my room. Next week it's the Ritz-Carlton. I'm not staying at a W anymore, despite the Starwood points system.

The Indignities of Work Travel, Chapter 3

See Chapter 1 & chapter 2.

It's now 8:30am on my Monday morning early EWR-DFW flight, and I'm sitting in 24B.

The flight attendants are now to us, with alcoholic drinks for sale, as well as breakfast sandwiches, bars, chips, and candy available for sale. There is nothing available for free. This is a 4 hour flight, and I paid $1,400 for the ticket.

Me: "Um, can I have a sandwich?"
Flight Attendant: "I'm sorry, we're all out."
Me: "That's ok, I'll have a breakfast bar please."
Flight Attendant: "We're all out of them too."
Me: "Oh. Well, what do you have?"
Flight Attendant: "We have some three musketeers candy bars left. Would you like to buy one?"
Me: "No thanks."

The Indignities of Work Travel, Chapter 2

See Chapter 1.

At the 6:15am departure time of my EWR-DFW flight, nearly everyone is asleep, including myself, sitting in 24B. It is dark.

The cabin crew then makes 4 announcements in the first hour of flight. Among them:

"We'd like to welcome our AA Advantage members onto our flight. If you are not a member, you can sign up by going to aa.com or asking the flight attendant for a form."

A few minutes later:

"We will be starting our beverage service soon. We have complimentary soft drinks, and wine, liquor and beer are available for $5."

It is 6:45am.